Sunday, January 2, 2011

Drifting Through The Daze With Hopes For Clarity

iThis weekend was foggy all the time. In several ways.

It was foggy because I had a good time partying for new years and have felt exhausted for the remainder of the weekend. Just like oooof. I'm so tired and thirsty, ALL WEEKEND LONG. But it is chill. I feel mostly better today. Just slightly headachy. Still slightly thirsty.

I'm also feeling foggy in the way that I'm experiencing time. For some reason 2011 beginning has my head all jumbled up. It isn't clear to me what my goals (if any) are for this year. It isn't clear to me where I want to be. And because new years was on a weekend I don't feel settled into the working world reality that I'll be living in 2011. So tomorrow morning will be an interesting jolt, an interesting return to reality.

And lastly, I feel all frazzled about my writing and reading. I have managed to finish both Part I and II of 'Art, Zen, And Insurrection'. Now the task is Part III, which is really what I have been building up to. Art, what is art? What do artists do? Can life become an art? Part III is called 'Becoming An Existential Aesthetician'. Hehe. Sounds funny to me. I still don't know if I believe in this idea. But I try to be expressive, I want to be expressive, I want to do it as much as possible. I'm starting to gain some faith in the idea.

Walking home I was reflecting on how much I had been thinking about this question for the last number of months. I remembered an essay that I published on September 10th that I had forgotten about: 'The Science And Art Of Minds: Theory And Practice In The Social World'. That essay spawned all of these questions that I am now trying to reckon with in 'Art, Zen, And Insurrection'. After I wrote that essay I was stunned about how to deal with the issue of art and creativity. Here I was writing about life as the art of minds without having much of an understand of what is. So I read Collingwood's The Principles Of Art to gain some direction, and I found it quite startling. I think I was occupied with reading that book for much of September. Then I formed this outline. I published the outline on October 3rd, and in that time didn't really write anything substantial in that time. I was fumbling with this outline and with these ideas. I was reading a good bit, extending myself in that way. But the writing on this project on art took some time to come together.

Then on October 29th I broke through something and published the first lengthy piece of writing I had done in a while. I wrote an essay called 'Implied Degrees Of (In)humanity In Social Interactions, Or, In Defense Of Small Talk'. I think that for a lot of September and October I was dealing with moving into a new place, trying to figure out my new space and my thoughts on my new life. So that essay was quite personal, and although is very abstract, really has a lot to do with that emotions I was experiencing entering my new economically defined role as a barista.

I moved on from that writing, and was able to finish a few smaller essays on Nihilism, bottled water, other things. All of it was contributing to this writing on Art.

On November 14th I was able to finish Part I.1 Of AZI. Part I.2 Followed on the 20th, and Part I.3 followed on December 5th. Done. Then I finished Part II.1 and II.2 in December as well.

Now I'm on to the big deal of Part III. Which will be really fun to write, I hope.

Tonight I'm just recovering from this strange and very nice weekend. I hope to write some of it tomorrow night, actually.

One thing I notice about my writing is the different things I've been trying to do.

Since I decided to tackle this project on art I've been attempting many more styles of writing.

I've been writing something like bad poetry. I don't know what to call it. Writing that tries to particularize emotions I have by referring to them in weird or nonsensical ways.

I've written a few small vignettes where I just try to narrate fictional spaces or experiences. And recently I published something called 'Night Attacks' that is more like a short story than anything else I've written before.

I've just tried to push myself to move beyond strictly analytical writing. For the sake of my own expression. I'm not sure what I'm doing.

But I feel myself moving towards finishing this project. I won't edit it much. I'll just do it.

I'm excited because I ordered Carl Schmitt's The Concept Of The Political, which will aid me in my writing of Part IV and Part V, which are about war and politics and art.

Look at me, I don't know what I'm doing

All my writing is hyperbolic and far too abstract. I hope to find the ground eventually, ground myself in this real world. But I'm wrapped up in the world of ideas right now. And I dunno, Marx is helping me a bit right now.

But I'm also feeling troubled by how expensive Collingwood's books are online. Really hard to find a copy of An Essay On Metaphysics, An Essay On Philosophical Method, Speculum Mentis, or The New Leviathan for very cheap. And Seattle library doesn't have any of them. Shucks.

I'll have to shell out for Collingwood's books eventually.

For now I'll finish my shoddy abstract projects.

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