Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Isn't everyone doing the best they can?
Here goes the adventure that is living by myself. Despite how expensive it is, how lonely it is. I don't care. I want to do something new and exciting.
Sometimes when I walk into a dark room I just know that there is something else there. I put the key in the door and I feel every little ridge sliding into place. I turn the key because I know I want to find it. I want to find that other thing in the room. I walk into the room and I don’t even turn a light on because I just don’t care anymore. I know what this thing looks like. I know what it feels like. It doesn’t feel soft and it doesn’t look friendly.
When I walk into the room my mind does this thing where it turns into several octopuses. It turns into a blue cloud and it lets all of its dozens of tentacles go in every direction. My mind becomes a blue fog because it wants to feel the space. It wants to know exactly where this thing is and exactly what it wants from me. But this isn’t really about what this thing wants. This is about what I want.
I wanted more than anything else to be eaten by something in the dark. I wanted this thing to walk towards me and breathe all over me. I wanted it to smell me without my knowledge. I want something to devour me. Something to take that kind of initiative and really just kill me. I would probably feel its teeth in my shoulder. I want to feel bones splintering. The sound would probably be one of the most remarkable things. The wet crunching of bone entering flesh that had never been there before. I want these teeth. These large and only felt teeth. I want all of them to come out of the dark. I want the hot breath to be mixed with these teeth. I’ll feel it all. I won’t scream though.
Like I said, I knew there was something waiting for me in the dark. I walked in because I wanted to be the one in the dark. I stood in the room and I didn’t reach for the light switch. I didn’t reach for the umbrella that I knew was next to the door. I didn’t reach for anything at all that resembled a weapon. I wanted to be eaten this time. I wanted to be the one that was pushed into my own life. I wanted to be the one that would be broken in all directions by a dark force.
Every night I came home and I knew this thing was in the dark. I turn on the light and I felt it moving. I felt it come towards me and disappear into something else. It would penetrate my imagination and make me think of it. I would be in the dark and it would be in different shapes and different forms. It never really exists until I imagine it. But at the same time i know that it has a definite form. It exists as a cave beast. It exists as something with spikes on its head. Something with spikes on its head but something that doesn’t even exist.
But on this night I wanted to let my imagination devour me. I wanted to let it rip my flesh and just let me die. Just let me die by these things in my mind. That is all I want. All I want is to be consumed by these things that will never leave my head alone. I want to be consumed by these things that exist within my bones. They will break free from the inside of me and show me the teeth they have always had. Then I’ll finally be able to feel the teeth of these parts of me that I love so much. I’ll be able to set myself free from this body that can’t consume itself. This mind that holds itself back from really thinking what it wants to think.
Monsters in the dark. If I gave them the chance to eat me they would. If I didn’t reach for the light switch every single time they would be able to rip me up. That is definitely what I want. I want to be in the dark with my carnivorous mind.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Waking paralysis is when you wake up and your body can't move. I think this is a somewhat well documented phenomena. Your mind is fully awake and alert, you are awake, but your body can't move for a period of time. People often panic or something. But yeah, waking paralysis.
What the Heck is Happening to Me in This 21st Century?: Trying to Craft the Contemporary 'Modern' Perspective
I want to be modern. I want to understand why I am living these ways. Why anyone is living these ways.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
In this section I'm going to make a quick concession: I think this term is 1. eluding my grasp for the most part, and 2. probably inadequate for what I'm trying to talk about.
I think that calling theory of mind a science of mind will make more sense if I explain the conflict between the science and art of minds.