Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Immediate Life, Temporary Life, Future Life

I haven't been writing very much since I started working at this barista job. And that is fine. All well and good I suppose. Just very odd and confusing. Most things feel pretty odd right now.

That is fine I guess. It seems like I am just reverting to the same platitudes. 'Things are hard', 'I'm confused'. I don't even know what I've been saying anymore. I can't really express myself very well about what is happening to me right now. And that is the point of this whole journey. Was to get confused. To lose myself in my own life. To lose touch with knowing how to think. To be uncomfortable.

But the most interesting thing is the contrast between the theory and practice of that idea. It is really easy to read about how uncertainty is important. How putting yourself outside your comfort zone is a good thing and how it will help you think differently or whatever. All this theory of uncertainty. I've been exposed to a lot of it. But jesus this practice of uncertainty is way different and way harder. It hurts to be so unsure of what is going on. To really be this frustrated. It is a serious challenge.

And I don't know how to express what is going on in my mind or in my life. That is the immediate life I am referring to in the title. It is escaping my understanding. Life is happening too quickly for me to get a grip on it. Good, I suppose.

The other thing that I have been reminded of is the temporary nature of this life I am leading. It is totally temporary. It obviously won't be this way forever. But it is just impossible to tell what will come next.

Thus the temporary and future life I'm referring to. It is hard to feel the temporary nature of this time in my life because it feels so immediate and so demanding.

But there will be a future, undoubtedly. No stopping it. And that is good. I guess I feel pretty good writing about this frustration. It has been tough to write, just because I've been occupied by other things. And I should be doing other things even now as I write this. But whatever, I'm doin my thang.

I'll be fine. Just gotta keep moving forward.

I want to reflect soon on This is Water and I also want to reflect on metaphors of war. I have a lot of thoughts silently brewing in my mind, even if I don't have the time or energy to express them right now.

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