If I get to know you I'll say anything to you. I'll say all kinds of different things. If you know me I'll be the biggest weirdo and have so much silly fun with you. Or I'll be way serious and crazy about ideas and whatever.
But what about all you strangers? What about you people on the bus? What about you cute girls who ring up my groceries? Why the hell can't I talk to you?
Why can't we just act like we are comfortable.
Oh the distance between people.
How is it that I can work in a store full of people that walk past one another in silence?
I once came up with a phrase. A shitty phrase. But one that I was trying to communicate something serious with.
'The assumption of mutual indifference'.
We assume that we don't want to have anything to do with one another. That we are all mutually indifferent.
And honestly, sometimes I am indifferent to people. I don't know what they are doing with themselves. We are just strangers passing in the night. We don't need to speak to one another.
But god! Why can't I just talk to people more easily!
Why can't there be less of you! Why are there so many of us?!
Why am I living in this city full of people that don't speak to one another!? We could just speak! It could be so easy! We could just get to know one another. We could feel less alone if we wanted to.
What is this loneliness business about? Rah! I'm ready!
I'm ready for another dark rainy winter full of socializing.
I plan on being the brightest yellow trudging through the darkest nights!
I want to speak to you all!
I'm just raving. Raving raving raving. Ranting.
I remember seeing people in college who were so able to just talk. To just talk to people. To relax and enjoy yourself.
In college I was not relaxed. I was not able to just speak to people. I was raged out. I was in a lot of pain. My life was changing a lot. I was having surgeries and struggling to understand how the fuck I had become so emotionally hurt.
I reflected for a long time. I got better.
But I still feel so confused sometimes. I still don't understand how people relate to one another.
We must all be crazy or something.
As The-Dream says, 'There's nothing wrong with me. There's something wrong with the world'.
I am the world. The world made me.
I'm an intensely social person.
I love people.
I love talking to them and seeing them.
I love their faces.
I love the nuance that is hidden behind the labels I use to delimit my understanding of their experiences.
I love your secrets.
I'm still explosive.
I'm still feeling insane in the best way.
I vow, from this moment forward, to speak to people more.
I already speak to people a lot.
But now I want to speak to people anymore.
People on the street. Maybe.
People at bus stops. Hopefully.
People in bars. Hopefully.
People at jobs. For sure.
The other night I realized I was missing a social event. It was raining. I was like fuck. I forgot about this event.
So what did I do?
I sprinted out my door and ran through the rain. I got to the bus stop and I realized I didn't even have bus fare.
I was like fuck. Wtf am I gonna do?
I said to myself 'if the bus is pay as you leave just get on and I'll figure it out'.
Sure enough, it was, so I got on.
God dammit! The moral of the story is don't fucking turn down opportunities for socializing!
What is it that is precious in this life?
THIS FUCKING COMPUTER?! NO! NO THANKS!
What is it that I want from this life!?!?!
I want people! I WANT YOUR THOUGHTS! I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR MIND.
I need people.
Most things I do are attempts to live a better life. To live a more social life.
I'm in the process of changing jobs. And I hope that means I'm on the cusp of meeting new people. It must mean that.
I badly want to meet people. I've met tons of people in the last year. And so many of you have been so excellent.
But I will continue to explore. Continue to live.
Continue to fight myself.