I feel sick right now. I feel tired.
I don't really even know if I can write anything tonight. I doubt it. A low key recovery night hopefully.
But one issue is on my mind these days: expressing myself versus representing myself.
When I represent myself I take certain steps to make sure that people perceive me in certain ways. I craft my image through the things that I say and do.
But sometimes when I'm alone in my room and I write things I'm simply expressing myself. I can just be writing nonsense and I'd be expressing myself.
Am I expressing myself right now?
I might be.
Am I representing myself? Doesn't feel like it. But maybe.
I am writing to a blog so the issue is complicated a bit more. But when I write in my notebooks by hand I am definitely expressing myself. No one reads those things. Unless I'm representing myself to myself. Which I doubt.
Representation is something that takes other people's awareness.
I just wonder if it is possible to have a fruitful and exciting social life simply through expression. Is representation necessary in some ways? Do I have to craft my image? In what ways do I need to represent myself?
The answer is obviously yes. Representation is obviously an important part of social life. I don't really know how though.
I don't know how this fits in with my larger ideas about making life into an art form, which would mean that life would revolve primarily around expression and not representation.
Perhaps a balancing act between expression and representation.
Perhaps I'm too tired to think about this stuff right now.