There I am
I am not a stranger
And this is not a strange land
I just roll and flip so hard sometimes in my mind. I feel myself in new places and I ask myself what I'm doing anywhere. I jive with my heart.
In this moment I'm craving very honest and brutal reflection. But can feel myself resisting clear explication of my feelings. I know what I'm feeling. And I'm not sure how I want to express it.
I finally finished Collingwood's The Principles of Art today. I then began writing in Part I.2. I published part I.1 because I felt that it was done and I was moving on to the rest of the project. No doubt, I am. But it has been a weird, solitary day. I did lots of practical things mixed with lots of impractical things. I did laundry and dishes. I ate food. I did lots of writing. I read a little bit of a novel. I cooked dinner. I watched a few tv shows. But I have had very little contact with the outside world, which is weird.
Because I suppose I opened up this post with this poem because of how I feel about my new social life in Seattle. I feel hopeful about it. I feel less shy than I did, less afraid than I did. Not that I was ever terrified or anything. Just that I was uncertain. Now I feel more certain that I'll meet new people and do fun things. But who knows how any of this will end up. It is just so interesting.
I don't want to feel like I'm a stranger in a strange land. Because the only land is my mind. Lol. I hate how solipsistic I am sometimes. I'm not. I swear. But at the same time I really think in terms of my thoughts. I think in terms of how I'm dealing with things. Other people are so important. But can be hard to come by. I suspect that when I go back to work tomorrow my head will be so much less focused on my own head. I just felt my shyness more so when I first started my job, first started my life here. Now I just want to be more assertive, do more things. It is still hard. Waiting will be such a large part of it all. Waiting for everything to happen. Waiting for everything. Waiting to die. Ummmmm. Who knows. I'm just so scattered sometimes. I try to think about my social life or where I'm going or where I am. I'm waiting to become a graduate student. I don't want to do it yet.
It is like the morning of September 7th. I was starting my first day at the U Bookstore. I took a really early bus because I wasn't sure how long it would take. So I got to the ave so early that I had time to go to a coffee shop. I went to Sureshot, a grimy cafe. I had a latte for there. They were playing a song by the band Stars. I knew it. I don't listen to Stars, but I have before. The lyrics went "All I want is one more chance to be young and wild and free." And it occurred to me that perhaps that is what I was doing in Seattle. Perhaps I just wanted to be young, to drink, to talk to strangers. To not care. To be free from something. To be free from myself? To be free from what? From determinism? Who knows. But that moment struck me then, and that moment sticks with me now. I hope I won't forget. September 7th, 2010. Sureshot. Stars. Youthful freedom. How old am I? When will I die?
All TBD. I will continue to wait. But sometimes it feels awfully uncomfortable. Awfully confusing.