Monday, July 4, 2011

Frustration

I am starting to feel a little bit irritated with my reading and writing.

I just don't really like the things I am writing about or thinking about.

I was lying in bed last night and I had this intense frustration with the idea of research and writing in general.

The world is so daunting.

To make sense of it seems insane.

To think about changing it feels futile sometimes.

But that is, for me, the ideal reason to be doing research and writing.

We can talk about things and change them.

But jeez things seems out of control.

And it sure doesn't seem like research and writing is doing much for people.

It doesn't seem like universities or serious scholarship matter.

I know they do in some way. They must.

But I just don't like my current writing project. I'm painting in huge strokes and I dislike it.

I wonder sometimes if I'll end up not being into writing, not wanting to go to graduate school. If I'll live this life after my undergrad and never go back. But what would I do with myself?

I think part of my frustration is coming from reading Leviathan. It is just so old and difficult to read. To read it seriously, to read it intelligently, is pretty difficult for me.

I just feel like I'm struggling with a lot of things. And reading and writing is a big one. It is just like, yo, what am I doing with this stuff?

I feel like I'm playing a mental game. I don't feel like I'm thinking anything serious. I'm spinning logical webs. And I don't like it.

So then what should I be doing with myself?

Should I just relax? Not work on writing projects?

Maybe just keep reading. Don't worry about writing?

Eh!

Eh! I just don't know.

I don't get things these days.

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