I'm wearing contact lenses right now.
I really am not sure how well I can see with them in or not. They feel very strange to me. I feel like my vision isn't all that good with them. It is better than with no glasses at all. But it still isn't all that awesome.
Vision is so fucking weird.
Everything is so weird.
My poor body is going to break down someday!
I'm always fascinated by injuries.
Every time I hurt myself I think about it. I think about my body, about how it can break, about all the things that happen to it.
What a common point of reflection this must be. Everyone knows that their body breaks down and changes. I get fatter if I drink a lot of beer and eat a lot of bad things. I get hurt if I fall down and recovering might take months.
I can't do everything all the time. But I want to.
And for gods sake I can't even think all the time if I want to.
I can't even think sometimes.
I can't even sort my thoughts.
I don't even want to sort my thoughts.
I fear the path I'm setting for myself.
I fear the trajectory I'm setting for myself.
I'm very afraid. But thats okay I'm trying to be okay with it. I'm okay with it on some level because I'll keep doing what I'm doing.
I've been spending a lot of money lately. I've been making a lot of investments. New glasses. New things. New shoes. New contacts. A new face. A new look. A new anything.
What I really want right now is new things. New spaces. I'll deal with everything. But I want something new.
What do I want from myself?
I don't want to push up my graduate school plans. I want to keep living in Seattle. I want to keep living a confused life. I want to be better. I want to work different hours.