Thursday, August 25, 2011

I Only Feel My Own Pain

This one is for my friend.

Because I believe him.

And I don't believe myself.

I want to be able to feel everyone's pain.

But I'm so locked in to my own world.

I'm not able to escape it.

I am in such a rut in my life.

I'm lying in my bed waiting for the morning.

I'm hot.

I'm listening to the people walk by. I listen to them talk.

I'm envious of them.

I'm jealous.

I am NOT okay with them walking around.

Mainly because I'm not walking outside with new people these days.

I've settled.

I've settled into something and I need to become unsettled again.

I'm unsettled in my settledness and I am only feeling my own pain.

My world is shrinking.

I'm fussy and irritable and I don't care because I need to feel those ways in order to change things.

I need to get a little bit pissed because I need to do something different.

I need to change my god damn life.

And I can't do that unless I'm a little bit pissed off.

Because if I wasn't pissed off then I wouldn't feel the need for change.

Where did all this anger come from?

I wonder when I first felt it or worried about it.

I wonder how angry I really am.

A big part of me says pretty angry.

Pretty furious. But in the stupidest ways. In this way in which I state blankly. In which I wait and wait and wait and just explode internally. Implode externally.

Just silly words.

I don't feel your pain. I can't afford to think about your pain right now.

But of course I can!

And of course I feel your pain!

I feel many people's pain.

But I will admit that I'm feeling my own pain more than feeling other people's pain.

My capacity for empathy is not at its peak right now because my own perspective is consuming me.

I've been listening to my headphones on the bus again. And we all know how much that contributes to an isolated perspective. Not only are we living our own movie, but our movie has a soundtrack that no one else can hear.

Oh well!

OH well!

I feel your pain.

I do.

But I don't want to right now.

Because I'm feeling my own pain a good bit.


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