Yeah

I promise I'm feeling very with it.

I'm feeling pretty together.

I'm also feeling worried. I don't really know what is next for me.

But that is okay. I'll be okay.

Things will be okay at some point. And things are okay now. My employment is just uncertain.

Mania

My thoughts and feelings are more intense than usual.

Probably because my life is more intense than usual.

I'm changing jobs. Hitting the streets, working hard to get my resume out there.

Working hard on selling myself.

On top of that I have been listening to the new Future Islands album, 'On The Water', a lot.

I really like the cd.

Especially 'Where I Found You' and 'The Great Fire'. Both of which are quite slow, quite romantic. About love. About people and pain.

There is a tightness in my chest. Especially when I listen to 'Where I Found You'. Which you can listen to here.

When I listen to those songs I feel it. I feel myself on the verge of tears. But not actual tears. I'm not actually shedding any tears. I just feel them in me.

I don't know what it is about this music that makes my chest so tight.

Why is my chest so tight?

Why is it so good that my chest is so tight?

What is with this intensity in my life?

I have a lot of time today. I have the day off. I plan on cleaning a lot. Eating something, no doubt.

Probably continuing to read Collingwood's Essay On Metaphysics. I'm still afraid of The New Leviathan. Mainly because I chickened out reading Leviathan. It was so difficult.

I will work today hopefully.

Being Social

Why is it so hard to talk to people?

Not everyone.

If I get to know you I'll say anything to you. I'll say all kinds of different things. If you know me I'll be the biggest weirdo and have so much silly fun with you. Or I'll be way serious and crazy about ideas and whatever.

But what about all you strangers? What about you people on the bus? What about you cute girls who ring up my groceries? Why the hell can't I talk to you?

Why can't we just act like we are comfortable.

Oh the distance between people.

How is it that I can work in a store full of people that walk past one another in silence?

I once came up with a phrase. A shitty phrase. But one that I was trying to communicate something serious with.

'The assumption of mutual indifference'.

We assume that we don't want to have anything to do with one another. That we are all mutually indifferent.

And honestly, sometimes I am indifferent to people. I don't know what they are doing with themselves. We are just strangers passing in the night. We don't need to speak to one another.

But god! Why can't I just talk to people more easily!

Why can't there be less of you! Why are there so many of us?!

Why am I living in this city full of people that don't speak to one another!? We could just speak! It could be so easy! We could just get to know one another. We could feel less alone if we wanted to.

What is this loneliness business about? Rah! I'm ready!

I'm ready for another dark rainy winter full of socializing.

I plan on being the brightest yellow trudging through the darkest nights!

I want to speak to you all!

HOLLACHABOI.

I'm just raving. Raving raving raving. Ranting.

I remember seeing people in college who were so able to just talk. To just talk to people. To relax and enjoy yourself.

In college I was not relaxed. I was not able to just speak to people. I was raged out. I was in a lot of pain. My life was changing a lot. I was having surgeries and struggling to understand how the fuck I had become so emotionally hurt.

I reflected for a long time. I got better.

But I still feel so confused sometimes. I still don't understand how people relate to one another.

We must all be crazy or something.

As The-Dream says, 'There's nothing wrong with me. There's something wrong with the world'.

I am the world. The world made me.

Madness.

Absolute madness.

I'm an intensely social person.

I love people.

I love talking to them and seeing them.

I love their faces.

I love the nuance that is hidden behind the labels I use to delimit my understanding of their experiences.

I love your secrets.

I'm still explosive.

I'm still feeling insane in the best way.

I vow, from this moment forward, to speak to people more.

I already speak to people a lot.

But now I want to speak to people anymore.

People on the street. Maybe.

People at bus stops. Hopefully.

People in bars. Hopefully.

People at jobs. For sure.

The other night I realized I was missing a social event. It was raining. I was like fuck. I forgot about this event.

So what did I do?

I sprinted out my door and ran through the rain. I got to the bus stop and I realized I didn't even have bus fare.

I was like fuck. Wtf am I gonna do?

I said to myself 'if the bus is pay as you leave just get on and I'll figure it out'.

Sure enough, it was, so I got on.

God dammit! The moral of the story is don't fucking turn down opportunities for socializing!

What is it that is precious in this life?

THIS FUCKING COMPUTER?! NO! NO THANKS!

What is it that I want from this life!?!?!

I want people! I WANT YOUR THOUGHTS! I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR MIND.

I need people.

Most things I do are attempts to live a better life. To live a more social life.

I'm in the process of changing jobs. And I hope that means I'm on the cusp of meeting new people. It must mean that.

I badly want to meet people. I've met tons of people in the last year. And so many of you have been so excellent.

But I will continue to explore. Continue to live.

Continue to fight myself.

OH!

OH!

The horror!

I say god dammit because

I might explode if I kept it in

I am never the gentle introduction

Always the constant fire

I like to write spastic words

Calling it bad poetry is too much

Because that isn't what it is

It is an attempt to channel this energy

This fire or passion that I feel

The feeling of my life's movement

My own attempts moving it

I am working hard.

But I'm really not.

I'm following my heart.

I'm pushing my heart too.

Blogs Are Stupid

Blogs suck. I'm tired of my blog in some ways.

At the same time, I really love it.

I've kept it up for a year and a half and it has been great for me.

It has given me an important medium for my ideas.

It has done a lot for me.

But I crave more serious outlets.

And I crave more privacy.

Lol.

How stupid to crave privacy on a blog that I make public.

I just don't quite get it.

Oh well.

My mind is on fire.

I went through my shelf today asking myself, 'What books do I need in order to write a publishable essay on Collingwood and Foucault?'

Now I have a stack of 20 books sitting in front of me. I'm eager to start flipping through them. Eager to start pulling quotations and fitting them into my tentative outline. Excited about how that process will in turn clarify the outline.

I want to be a scholar.

I want to make this essay scholarly.

It will have footnotes.

It will be properly formatted.

I will explode.

Oh The Thoughts

My head is exploding.

I just finished the first half of Collingwood's Essay On Metaphysics. How exciting.

I have so many thoughts going on leading towards this new essay. But man it feels like a daunting essay.

The next step is to sit down with all of my Collingwood and Foucault books and skim them, reread portions, pull quotations and loosely organize them in my three major sections, and wait for nuance to appear within those sections as a result of my study of the books.

BLAHHHHH.

I'm also feeling quite caffeinated. So I'm feeling intense.

My thoughts are feeling pretty intense.

The Other Day

The other day I was on fire.

I was walking down the street.

Hours before something hap snapped in me.

A switch.

A string.

A fire.

Something had changed.

I was beaming. Booming. Churning.

Something in me had become enflamed in the best way.

I was thinking of Nietzsche.

Thinking of how he said something about the intensity of his own feelings astounded him.

The intensity of my own thoughts and feelings continue to amaze me.

I like it that way.

I have writing projects to work on.

But I'm not quite ready yet.

I won't put it off too much longer, though.